When does the knife blade loose its edge?

We are approaching the five-month mark since my mother passed away. It literally was like my worst nightmare come true.

My father passed away thirteen years ago, and that was like a sucker punch to the heart. But mom was there, and even with as much as it hurt her to lose dad we has a parent to turn to for that parental support that you just always know is there.

For years I told my mom that she could never die! I know, as if she had control over that. But, I just knew that it would hurt so, so, much to lose her.

Last summer I flew up for a long weekend when my mother was going to have a procedure done, which ended up being postponed until the next week so, I missed being up there for it. She came through that with flying colors- little did we know that there was something else hiding in her brain just waiting to take her from us. I look back at when she took me to the airport. I checked in early then went and had breakfast, and still got back to the airport early. Rather than make her hang out at the airport I sent her on her way. I remember looking back at her as she got in her van thinking that this could be the last time I see her…and…it kind of was. It was because the next time I saw her she was in a hospital bed in a coma.

When it did happen, and suddenly, I never got say good-bye to her. It was fairly sudden with my father too, but he had been ill and in our hearts we knew it was a matter of time. Now that I think about it you would have thought that would have taught me the lesson to say the things you don't say. You know, like, thank you for all the support you give me, for the unconditional love, for forgiving me for hurting you when I never meant to. So many words that just get left unsaid, and then- it is too late.

I was very blessed with wonderful parents. Yes, I will be the first one to admit that they spoiled me. I did not want for anything.

They are even taking care of me now. I just wish it was in person rather than in spirit. I wish they could see how happy I finally am with a wonderful husband, who I must say spoils me more than they did. Mom did get to meet Sam. I wish they had been able to get to know each other more closely though. It was hard for her to have to learn to share me, and to have to split time between two families. Something I never managed to do, with out hurting her. I just hope she knows I never meant to hurt her. I think she knew that she could rest assured that Sam will always take good care of me.

The knife cut from losing mom is still so fresh, I just wonder how long till the blade of the knife begins to dull….